March 30, 2008

The Writer’s Dilemma

Why does one write? For many reasons I guess. Maybe the writer wants to make sure that there is someone who cares for what he has to say. Maybe the writer wants to propagate his views on the others and make the world into what he thinks is a better place and maybe sometimes the writer writes just for himself. Recently I have been getting a lot of brick bats from my friends over my posts in this blog. The icing on the cake was perhaps the comments on the poem published a few posts back. From juvenile to pathetic mush, I have heard everything about it. On the other hand, I have found others say they were ‘moved’ by it. And of course, there were the usual; “what makes you write such stuff? What is your hidden pain?”

But criticisms from close friends, even mild, may seem scathing to the writer. So I decided to take stock of what has become of this blog and what it was meant to be in the first place. When I started off, it was just an effort to keep in touch with friends, tell them where I was and what I was doing, which new places I had visited. What was the latest ‘banjoness’ I had indulged into. I was travelling around, putting them up on my blog, enjoying it. Slowly there were comments on the post. I hardly bothered to respond. But then someday without my knowledge it became a responsibility towards the readers, to respond back to them. Yes, I might have chosen to remain the same, but I have never agreed on doing something half heartedly. Slowly, the orkut syndrome struck. Just like people worry when they do not receive scraps for some time, I began to worry if there were no comments on a certain post. “Was it bad? Did I offend someone?” The joy of writing was slowly going away. I was slowly beginning to write for the audience, not for myself.

The blog is a happy blog. I have tried to keep it that way. If I look back, the last year has been a mixed bag of emotions. I have seen the lowest depths of depression and stress. I have ridden on the seventh heaven as friends have given me good news about their lives. All in all, I have tried to remain as awesome as ever and keep the posts similar too.

This is my last refuge. I do not know when was the last time I actually checked every setting and clicked a beautiful picture on my own camera. I do not know when was the last time I read a really great book without anything else worrying me. I haven’t added a single awesome song, except for latest Hindi movie mp3s, to my once amazing music collection. People make choices when they enter the corporate jamboree. For me, the choice has chosen me and to respect that I solemnly assure you I shall write as long as I write for myself. These days I do not have the time to carefully edit my posts, check every grammatical construct and every spelling. These are raw, straight from the oven, mostly post midnight posts. And I like them that way.

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