It has been a strange day. Twenty minutes after the hour hand crossed twelve; I was woken up by yet another phone call, the last of them all. Time zones across the world play pretty tricks at times. After I kept down the phone, I lay thinking. It had been a no-events day as far as I was concerned and something felt wrong. For a change, I was not greatly excited about the fact that I was alive. Since morning I was trying to find a meaning for my life and just once statement kept popping up,
“My life is combination of piping hot oranges and icy cold baggages.”
Wow! That was profound. Blame it on the fever maybe. But that was not a reason for me to make ‘smart-alecy’ comments to the souls who were kind enough to call. Sometimes I felt the comments almost tip-toed across the line to become idiotic and rude. I guess I had nothing to talk to people and the place where the words come out of was on a high after an overdose of Strepsils. I guess the irritation was in not having a cake for the first time. Yups, that's a believable excuse in my case.
I have always believed that there is an author hidden within each one of us and it remains to us to find that special writer from amongst the people around us. The time I did my CF, I was searching everywhere possible for a theme verse. The ones I wrote perhaps were the most horrible, pompous and shallow at the same time. No one seemed to be able to pen a verse that would capture the lives and times of the 5000 odd BITSians and the numerous alumni. And then Saha came in with the most poignant melancholy and yet soothing verse I have ever seen in my life. That soon became the most powerful opening verse for any CF I have seen in my lifetime. But that is another story. A writer hearing only the calls of his inner voice, Saha has been the most reticent of them all.
Today as I tried to figure out what was troubling me, he came to my rescue with something he had penned a few months back. One of the best articles I have seen so far describing exactly what I feel today.
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you. You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself...and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that every one reading this relates to it.
We are in our best of times and our worst of times; trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.